so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
