I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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