tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
