He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Even my vagina gasped.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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