I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
