I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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