im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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