My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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