I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
