It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
