Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
