Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
