I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
