I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
