You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
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