if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Couch. On fire.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
