so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
