Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
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