Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
