I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
