I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Watching her eat just hurts me
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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