I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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