I feel great
I just peed on a car
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Randomize
