You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
