I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Randomize
