Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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