i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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