Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
