He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
