im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
