you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
