If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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