You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
