If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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