yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
