i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
