Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
We're hate flirting, damnit.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
