I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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