You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
