Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
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