Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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