Hey man sorry I got all grabby
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
