I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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