Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Is it because I queefed?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
