I love having hate sex.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
