Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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