Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I think my moral compass just broke
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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