i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Randomize
