I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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