Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
