i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
